Dear Mom,

I got arrested today. Well... It wasn't my fault... really!!!

It was like... when I helped Billy Mitchell find a quartz crystal for his science fair project and missus McGillicuddy's garage um... accidently... burned down.

See, it all started when Grandma said cousin Anthony and me should walk over to the county fair. I thought it sounded like a STUPID idea, but cousin Anthony said we could stop by the corner store and check out the new comic books on the way, so I said OK.

When we got the the corner store, we looked through the new Batman comic book, and Captain Marvel. And then I helped Anthony get up on the top shelf, where the new magazines are kept. Mom, you should have seen the ladies with the great big... um...well... (maybe not...) Anyway, about then Mr. Snodgrass came and yelled at us and called us perverts and through us out of the store.

When we got to the county fair, we walked up the hill past the tables of giant mutant cucumbers and pumpkins. It was soooooo dorky! Then we came to the tables with the home made pies and cookies and brownies. Oh they looked good. But when I asked if I could try one, they said we had to wait until the judges had tried them first. What's up with that?

Finally, when we got to the top of the hill I saw the coolest thing mom! There was this pen and everyone was standing around it. Then a bell rang and a gate opened and this bull came jumping out into the pen. And there was a man bouncing up and down on his back. The bull went up in the air and the man went up in the air and down again a couple of time and then the man went flying up and the bull turned and went the other way and the man landed on his face in the dirt. And then the bull spun around and charged at the man and just before he stabbed him with his horn this clown... no mom a REAL CLOWN with a big red nose and a wig and everything jumped into the pen and started jumping and whistling and hollering to get the bull's attention!

Well the bull chased the clown until the clown hid under a barrel, and the man got out of the ring just in the nick of time. I bet that bull would have stabbed that guy good and there'd have been lots of blood and guts and cool stuff if that clown hadn't got in the way!

Anyway, then the clown picked up his barrel and hopped over the fence and set it down right in front of cousin Anthony and me, next to the garbage can that was sitting there. Then he started talking to some guy next to him. Just then Cindy Swenson came by from the cotton candy booth and dumped a bunch of wrappers in the barrel, instead of the garbage can. Then this other guy came by and tossed his lit cigarette into the barrel can right on top of all those wrappers! I looked at cousin Anthony and he looked at me. We knew a fire was about to break out. That's when the bell went off and another huge bull came out into the ring.

Then I remembered from fire safety class that you should try to smother a fire, so I grabbed the first thing I could see. There was this stack of boxes on the other side of the barrel, so I dropped them in the barrel on top of the fire. How was I supposed to know that those were the fireworks for that night's show?

Anyway, just at that moment, the man on this bull, the biggest bull I ever saw, went flying across the pen and landed on his arm with a big loud crack. And then the bull swung around and picked him up with his horn and tossed him against the fence! It was soooo cool mom! Then the clown grabbed the barrel and jumped over the fence before we could tell him about the fire!

The clown put the barrel upside down in front of him and began shouting and hollering to get the bull's attention, but it did no good. The bull charged across the pen and stomped on the man! So the clown jumped up and down and screamed, but the bull paid now attention.

Then there was a humongous bang and several loud shrieks followed by a whole bunch of pops and the barrel went flying fifty feet up in the air!!! That got the bull's attention. The bull turned and ran right over the gate and dragged it down the hill through all the mutant cucumbers.

It also got the attention of officer number 17 and officer number 11. They decided to commence an investigation.

Anthony and I headed for the row of port-a- potties behind the concession stands to make our getaway. And we'd have made it too if it weren't for Mrs. Snodgrass! I think she and mister Snodgrass were using mental telepathy or something. She was working in one of the stupid booths where you shoot throw a bean bag at a row of ducks and if you knock them all down you win some dorky prize like a stuffed gorilla or something. Anyway, she saw the whole thing, and she started to talk to officer 17 and officer 11 and then she pointed right at us!

I knew we had to act fast, so I jumped into an empty wheelchair in front of the last port-a-potty and began yelling that I'd been injured while cousin Anthony pushed me down the hill.

Did you know, mom, that it's a miss de-something or other to take someone else's wheelchair? Even when they're not using it!

Anyway, office number 11 caught up with us at the bottom of the hill, just before we reached the street. We got taken in the police car to the police station, and they even turned on the siren. By the way, mom, officer 17 want's to know if you still have his class ring. And what are you doing with his ring anyway? You always told me not take other people's stuff?

Now Grandma says we're grounded for the rest of the summer! Or at least until you finish fighting with that no-good father of mine and come get me. Please mom, come bring me home soon! I PROMISE not to cause any more trouble.

Love, your son,